shake the parade: the goods.

today i'm listening to: damaged goods - the hot rats

it's a cover. from the band gang of four. circa 1979. love the lyrics.

gang of four

so... in huggeee news in the last 24 hrs,

THIS HAPPENED:

ain't nothing like the real thing, baby.

sing it with me.

ain't nothin' like the reeeeeal thing.

i can't even comment on it.

it's such a good line-up, it hurts my feelings.

finally. got. the. goods.

more on that when i can actually speak words on the subject. i'm still all-a-fucking-fluster. i mean- seriously... flustering.

since i'd like to assimilate my blogging skills to that of a DJ, i'm now taking requests on the request line... and my chef friend requested more food blogging.

well, here in the swamp-lands of north carolina, the boyfriend tried to take me on a nice dinner outing. (date night.com)

sooooo we went to a really nice italian place where i tried to order a caprese salad, one of my favorite things to eat.

unfortunately, the waitress was stumped.

this was a bit confusing to me because the caprese was looking back at me from the menu.

then i realized.... here in the swamp, they don't say "caprese" like the italians would like us to say it (the correct way... kuh pray ze). link to pronunciation---> caprese

i was actually ordering the "KUH-PREESE" salad, how silly of me.

and once the waitress brought me my "kuh-preese" salad, i was so delighted to see how literal north carolina gets with their menus.

the salad was accompanied by lettuce. i think the word "salad" threw them off.

it looked like this:

whereas a los angeles KUH PRAY ZE salad looks like this:

surprisingly, the kuh-preese was really delicious.

thank you, north carolina.

here is more food, then golden globe coverage.

cheetos & nintendo.
barf and barf.

someone has talented teeth.

mmmmmmmmmm.
someone's been cupcaking.

i'm shocked with myself that i have yet to gab some commentary on golden globes fashion!

so here it goes, snobs.

anne hathway wearing armani prive:

i like you anne. but not as much as i love BACKLESS DRESSES.

and sequins. in metallic colors.

the three of you together literally has me drooling.

best dressed? i think so.

emma stone in calvin kelin:

wowza. you're darling. working that color.

the simplicity. it's a nice surprise. and it's open in the back!

i do wish she'd go back to dark hair tho. you needn't be a blonde, miss stone. (we can't all be... ya know?)

brad pitt & angelina jolie in atelier versace:

ok FIRST. AND. FOREMOST.

wtf sunglasses are you trying to wear, brad?

i don't even know who you are anymore.

those were cool for persian teenagers in the 90's.

and persian teenagers only.

wtf. wtf. and wtf.

and wtf is with angelina... your dress is matronly?

QUESTION MARK.

where are your legs? we love your legs! can we see them please? they are hidden by that sequined amish dress. a slit would have been divine.

love the color. hate your hair. (it needs a trim and less waves on top). plus your posture and facial expressions of late make me think you might have turned into a vampire.

i hope you don't feast on your ~~multi-cultural orphanage~~... i mean.... children.

but props on the emerald hue.

i love you both so much, brangelina, but you've really let the parade down.

january jones in versace:

i love her.

i love her slutty dress.

the top is crazy. the fringe is crazy. but i find it oh-so-enjoyable.

taste level = questionable. wow factor = unquestionable.

and when ryan seacrest said he was having a hard time looking her in the eye... her response was:

"well, i didn't wear this dress for nothin'!"

(i love this. die.)

though i feel the need to point out that seacrest couldn't look her in the eye less because her dress was distracting and

more likely because his eye level is at her boobs.

sorry ryan seacrest. SORRY RYAN SEACREST!

scarlett johansson in elie saab:

i am one of a very few stylists who love beige.

i do.

i love the most boring color in the world. flesh tones do it for me.

judge me.

but there's something... a little ... confusing going on here with scarlett. where are your boobs, scarlett? where are your arms?

are you hiding the fact that you don't own a shake weight?

you can borrow my shake weight next time and show your arms.

or SOMETHING.

something else.

blah is all i can really say. your hair is fun?

sandra bullock in jenny packham:

thank goodness this wasn't the oscars because you've gone and made a fool of yourself, sandra.

a fool.

there are flat iron marks on the side of your head

and your bangs are like a bad visor made of hair.

natalie portman in viktor & rolf:

you are so pretty natalie. but

the red rose is reallllly pushing it.

and then you went and crossed the line with the

red purse

red shoes

red lipstick.

sweetie, you match the carpet. wtf.

& the necklace? it's too much.

i'm gonna chalk it up to bad taste due to pregnancy. but maybe stick to pickles & ice cream next time you suffer from bad taste due to pregnancy?

k thanks.

i don't care who you are (aka. glee chick) in oscar de la renta:

i could easily have googled her name

but

this dress

is the fashion equivalent of getting bubblegum stuck in your hair.

and it's the same color/shape as bubblegum stuck in your hair.

it must be removed with scissors.

is this why your hair looks this way, glee-gone-wrong?

take note, this is what fashion death looks like.

pink, poofy, and what the heck are you wearing?

michelle williams in valentino:

fuck, michelle.

seriously.... fuck.

....daisies?....???....??????

(moment of silence/confusion)

this is nothing short of horrific.

do you not remember that you're my fave?

do you not remember what you did in 2006?

may. i. remind. you?

check you out.
i was honored to get to SEE
that this dress EXISTED.

michelle, you have left me speechless. i am now forced to cry and look at your angelino & marie claire editorial spreads to remind myself you're not a crazy tasteless ho. (see below) you're a lucky lady-

magazine spreads don't always = red carpet redemption. but these ones soothe my soul. hold onto your career a little tighter next time, will ya? and please, never again wear daisies so offensively.